3 myths about treason

Betrayals bring pain, humiliation, disappointment and loss of trust in another. And also a feeling of guilt. But not the one who did this, but from the one who was betrayed. A person begins to feel fear: “Something is wrong with me, I tried badly”, “This is because of me”. When this hypothesis is harmful and insolvent?

“8 ways to keep a man”, “How to save a marriage” – trainings and seminars on such topics are often based on the idea of ​​control in relationships. Many people believe that in our power to control the “quality of relations” and what depends on us first of all whether the partner will change.

In my opinion, this belief is based on three myths. More precisely, these are not quite myths, sometimes they turn out to be true, but they become a problem when we consider every betrayal through their prism. Human experience is much more diverse than our ideas about it.

Myth No. 1: “Cheating occurs due to problems in relationships”

And really, can there be a place for betrayal in a happy marriage? And doesn’t the fact of betrayal of an automatically unsuccessful marriage mean? Sometimes not. Often the wrong partner is not going to destroy relationships, moreover – they are dear to him.

In our culture, it is very difficult to accept the idea that betrayals happen in those marriages in which there are no serious problems

Actually there is no at all any problems. Take a little more closely at the union, which yesterday seemed durable, and today it cracked, and there will certainly be some explanation.

Changed because she is older. Or he earns little. Or they have different social status. Probably, she (he) had to suppress less emotions. The list is endless. The partner begins to plunge into the abyss of guilt, even if until this moment he did not consider these circumstances a problem. And soon he is already asking questions: what has been all these years? Just an illusion? And there was no happy marriage?

And although treason is what a person seems to do in relation to his partner, in fact, this act is far from always about a partner. Sometimes this is an output of a very deep personal conflict. Since childhood, before each of us, a dilemma arises every now and then – choose the safety of maternal hugs or a risky study of the world.

The ancient Greeks saw this https://globalpharmacy24.com/drug/extra-super-tadarise breakdown of the needs in the images of Apollo (as a reasonable part) and Dionysus (sensual). Belgian sexologist and psychotherapist Esther Perel in his book “The State of Affair: Rethinginging Infidelity” considers this dilemma in the context of partnerships. We can simultaneously strive for novelty and stability. We value reliable relationships, rear, which does not prevent us from eager to know something new.

Our inner Apollo – a reasonable, reasonable beginning – requires constancy, and our inner Dionysus – the severity and diversity of experiences, sensuality

The modern concept of relations suggests that in one person we must find everything – emotions, reliability, sexuality, and intimacy – if only because we, more than ever, are free to start novels and complete them. But this, of course, is an illusion.

Different parts of our “I” cannot simultaneously get satisfaction in marriage – at least automatically. It hurts to be aware of this, but this is the reality of life. Some try to solve this dilemma in polygamous relations, but such a compromise has many pitfalls. And by the way, keep in mind: “I am polygamen, but my wife is not in the know” is not an open marriage.

As soon as infidelity becomes known-the personal conflict instantly turns into interpersonal, and then the question “What is wrong between us” comes to the forefront. Although, before the moment of finding a random message or someone else’s thing in the wife of the spouse, this was the internal conflict of one person, in fact very indirectly related to the partner.

This myth follows the second, which can become destructive for the one who has been changed.

Myth No. 2: “The partner is cheated, because something is missing in him”

Remember the joke about the man who lost the keys in the forest, but was looking for them under the light of a lantern on the street, because there is lighter? This is often done by a person who learned about the infidelity of a partner. He primarily begins to delve into himself: “I devoted little time”, “I have grown old”, “I do not satisfy him (her) in bed”.

The bitter truth is that a person sometimes enters into a relationship on the side, unconsciously rebeling that he appreciates the most in his partner. Imagine a woman who has a wonderful husband, two children, this friendly family has experienced a lot of good and difficult together. This woman insanely appreciates the care and attention of the partner. And at the same time, this preventiveness and well -organized structure suppresses its.

A woman falls in love with some kind of locksmith, who has no constant work and the wind walks in her head

Of course, she feels great guilty, but at the same time an incredible rise: this novel helped her to feel again that she was alive! She discovered something new in herself, she never thought that she was capable. But at the same time, she really really appreciates what is in marriage. He is incredibly important for her. Just a part of her “I” could not prove itself in these stable relations.

Each of our friend, a lover of something special in us reflects. Sometimes what we did not suspect. It is difficult to come to terms with the idea that some other, stranger opened in the partner what you yourself could not open. This is a painful experience, especially for men who suddenly realize: “I thought she did not want sex, but it turned out that she did not want sex with me”.

And it happens that a person “goes to the side” is not for the fact that he cannot find at home, but for the fact that he does not want to find at home. Say, a man does not want certain emotions in the family because of the fear that they (emotions) will destroy this couple-a couple that he appreciates so much. You can love to stop in hotels and don’t want to live there at all. You can cherish a partner in which everything suits, but at the same time have other relationships.

Myth No. 3: “Male and female betrayals are different in essence”

Men go to this easily and for the sake of drive, and women only when they feel an emotional connection, a public stereotype tells us. In fact, emotional and sexual needs have both men and women.

But society, as we know, looks quite condescendingly at how a man satisfies both – having a reliable rear in the form of a family and sexual adventures on the side. But a woman is presented to a woman to sacrifice her sexual interests for the sake of the family.

In fact, the role of a caring mother, which a woman most often chooses is in partnerships a real anti -Afrodisiac

One way or another, when choosing between emotional adventures and reliability, a woman makes a choice not in favor of Dionysus. Responsibility for others prevents her from focusing on her desires. An endless series of responsibilities and schedules is not an Eros habitat. This is not good and not bad, it’s just that is, it’s good or bad that the fish cannot live on land?

To reconcile erotica with home reliability and comfort is not a problem to be solved, this is a paradox that you need to somehow cope. And how exactly – in the form of a refusal or restriction of their desires, polygamous relations, open marriage – this is already deciding for himself. And no one can solve this for another.